Wallace Clan Owner goes Waco on own team.

[Cheezy]

Cheezy goes Waco

(AP)

Columbus, Ohio

Much like the infamous David Koresh was responsible for the deaths of his Branch Davidians (the 74 men, women and children who died in the inferno at Waco on April 19, 1993), Cheezy, owner of the Wallace Clan of Elderslie, expressed his contempt for his players by carrying out a massacre at the practice facility in order to demonstrate his disgust for the team.

David Koresh

After Sunday's 182.10 to 182.00 loss to the Mutts, Cheezy involved the FBI and the U.S. Army, mounting a 2-day siege on the practice facility. This included such psychological war tactics as sleep deprivation of the players by means of all-night broadcasts of recordings of the screams of rabbits being slaughtered, combined with all-day broadcasts of John Madden describing how awful this team is, and how much better it would be with Brett Favre at QB.

At dawn on October 24, 2006, and throughout the morning, tanks rammed holes in the main building and pumped (in the FBI's words) "massive amounts" of CS gas into the building, despite knowing that inside were more than two dozen pampered athletes in the midst of their weekly pedicures. The tanks demolished parts of the compound and created tunnels for the wind to blow through. The buildings at this point were saturated with flammable CS gas and spilled kerosene.

Around midday two U.S. military pyrotechnic devices were fired into the main building, igniting a fire which (because of the holes in the walls allowing the wind to gust through) spread rapidly through the complex of buildings and became an inferno. Eighty six people died in all — including the entire lineup of starters and reserves, training staff, and upper management including the VP of Player Personnel, General Manager, and Scouting Director. Cheezy's own dog, Grossman, was torched in the blaze. Fire trucks were prevented from approaching the inferno by Cheezy's private secuity detail.
After the compound had burned down, a :surrender flag was hoisted aloft to signify victory.
At an on-site interview with the blaze still lighting up the Columbus skyline, Cheezy stated:

"I raise this victory flag for all of the fans. This team may be 0-7, but always remember this date. 10/24/06. Today, we won!"

When this reporter offered that the team almost won this past Sunday 182.1 - 182.0, Cheezy had this to say:

"Losing by .1 is bad enough, but take a look at the fine print. Mutt's starting lineup did not include any running backs or tight ends, and only 1 defensive lineman. He started Braylon Edwards and Marcus Robinson for goodness sake. And we still lost."

When asked what he would do next week without any players, Cheezy responded:

"Well, I see this as a rebuilding process. True, most owners do not burn all of their players to death, but it truly was the only way. I have far too much respect for my fellow owners to have any of these idiots end up on their teams in the future. Now, no one has to worry about Nate Burleson or Lamont Jordan ever again. Besides, we're playing The Nancies this week. They're undefeated and we're winless. The safe bet is for them to cover the point spread. I've gotta go. It smells like charred bacon out here."

With that, Cheezy flew away in his helicopter, no doubt to recruit a new squad of players and associated administrative staff.

(c) Associated Press, 2006

[Preds]

ROFLMAO ROFLMAO ROFLMAO ROFLMAO ROFLMAO

And here I thought I was the only bitter Jordan owner. That fat slob lazy no heart SOB!

[Nittany Dodgers]

Good stuff.

Man were there some close games this week. All but one game decided by less than 5 points.