"The Royal Hawaiian Opihi proudly call this press conference to order. After the Indianapolis Colts received the vast majority of the news last night, the Opihi would like to turn a little attention in our direction...
Every single player on this squad is important and valuable. However, we'd like to highlight a special arrangement between our team and our 2nd year WR Keenan Allen. Media reports out of Buffalo earlier today tried to stir up controversy by noticing Keenan Allen's contract situation was not mentioned in our Frenzy deadline roster posting. We firmly believe this "fake news" is merely a (futile) attempt by our divisional rivals, the Parkwood Predators, to sow discord in our ranks. HEAR THIS, MR. SANTALUCIA... YOU CAN'T DIVIDE US! WE ARE OPIHI STRONG!
The true reason behind Mr. Allen's absence from the earlier post is due to a humanitarian gesture that he is extending to a fellow co-worker from another team (the Parkwood Predators, to be exact). That's right, Keenan Allen will be graciously sending Mr. Antonio Brown
a signed NFL-approved helmet for the upcoming 2019 football season. Keenan knows a successful season means beating our arch-rival Predators, and he doesn't want any excuses coming out of Buffalo due to any "wardrobe malfunctions."
The Opihi stand behind Mr. Allen's magnanimous gift, and in light of his commitment to the team, we have chosen to offer him a 2-year contract. In a day and age when most WR1's are only receiving a single-year contract, we want to express our appreciation for his blue-collar, come to work every day, do what it takes to get the job done, work ethic. Congratulations, Keenan. You've earned it!
That's all the time we have tonight. Thank you for your attention... and GO OPIHI!!!"